SamTastic Weekly Tip: 6/23/25 - Don’t Accept Rude Behavior.
- Jim Mercer
- Jun 23
- 4 min read
This week’s tip: Don’t Accept Rude Behavior
It might surprise you to learn that surveys consistently show Americans respect school principals more than any other leadership position in the country. Why then do an alarming number of parents, staff and students resort to rudeness when talking with principals? Importantly, can you do anything to make this better?
Dale Carnegie suggested that assuming a good intent, even when it is apparent the intent is not good, is a sound move. Giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, and a good reputation to live up to, makes sense. But how?
Authors Kathy and Ross Pertras suggests eight ways to control rude behavior:
‘You seem frustrated. Is something wrong?’
This is a classic redirection tactic. You’re centering the conversation on the other person, not you. Sometimes people just need a little reminder that they’re actually acting out about something completely different than the matter at hand. And often, getting the opportunity to reflect upon this or talk about it changes the entire situation.
Similar phrases:
“Are you going through something right now that’s affecting you like this?”
“Are you having a problem? Do you want to talk about it?”
“Have I done something to upset you?”
‘I’m surprised you feel comfortable saying things like that.’
Addressing someone’s rudeness head on is a key component to dealing effectively with incivility. By using this phrase, you’re telling the speaker that what they’re saying is unacceptable, and that perhaps they need to reassess their words. Research studies discovered that reminding someone that they’re being rude can make them realize they need to correct their behavior.
Similar phrases:
“Are you listening to yourself here?”
“Do you realize what you’re saying, and how you’re saying it?”
“Are you aware that you’re coming across as harsh and abrasive?”
‘Could you repeat that?’
This is similar to the previous phrase, except you’re not saying it straight out — you’re implying that you don’t like what they just said. Phrases like this stop the conversation in its tracks and force the speaker to rethink what they’re saying, while also making it clear that you won’t allow it to continue.
Similar phrases:
“Why are you using those words [or that tone] with me?”
“How you’re talking [or what you’re saying] isn’t very helpful.”
“Can you lower your voice [or change your attitude]?”
How can we focus instead on making this work well for the both of us?’
This is an example of setting boundaries, a main aspect of coping with rudeness. You’re calmly letting the person know you refuse to continue with the current situation, and you’re redirecting the negative energy onto a positive path.
Similar phrases:
“Can we address this more productively?”
“Let’s stop with the negativity and focus on finding a solution.”
“Why don’t we continue this when we can be respectful of one another?”
‘I see your point.’
Saying that you understand what someone is saying in spite of the manner in which they’re saying it defuses the situation by acknowledging them. Often a big cause of rudeness, especially in the workplace, is the fear of not being noticed or paid attention to. The simple “I see your point” gets past that obstacle.
Similar phrases:
“I’m glad you’re sharing your perspective with me.”
“That’s definitely a way of looking at it.”
“I hear you.”
‘I can tell you’re upset about something. Could you explain the issue more calmly to me?’
Here’s another “I acknowledge you” statement, with an added “stay cool.” You’re inviting the person to continue speaking, but (and this is important) stressing that the conversation can’t continue the way it began. It’s boundary-setting and defusing at the same time.
Similar phrases:
“Let’s reset the tone a bit so I can really focus on what you’re saying, not on how you’re saying it.”
“I know you’re frustrated, but we can work through this if you dial it down a notch.”
“It’s clear this is important to you, but let’s step back and take it slowly.”
‘Please stop.’
This very simple request can stop rude behavior or conversation in its tracks. The key, though, is saying it quietly and politely. Matching rudeness with rudeness only escalates things.
Similar phrases:
“Don’t say [or do] that, please.”
“Could you quiet down?”
“Please give me a chance to speak.”
If all else fails, say nothing or walk away
That’s right. Saying nothing at all, and just looking at the other person in silence, can sometimes be the most effective method of shutting down aggressiveness or rudeness. It’s difficult for someone to amp up the situation when there’s nothing to fight back against. Finally, if you feel your anger rising and can tell that you’re about to fight fire with fire, it’s best to physically remove yourself. This way, instead of escalating the situation, you’re giving yourself — and possibly the other person — the time and space to cool down.
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